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Mark

Your love and lies to me
Were a sweat wine.
And I, your alcoholic,
Giddy with intoxication.

As all unhealthy habits must end,
So must this.
I must clear my head of you
And walk a straight line into my future.

But how do I give up
My truest love?
The love that comforts me,
The love that dashes me to pieces.

You say I am strong.
Here’s my strength:
To leave you behind
And carry on happily,
     Without you.
©2009 =january77
:iconjanuary77:

Author's Comments

The hardest break up I've ever had.

Critiques


:iconwaltz-with-me:
First stanza:
Your love and lies to me
Were a sweat wine.


I absolutely love the image of "sweat wine." It's strong, it evokes emotions, it has multiple meanings. It's great. But next to it, the line "love and lies" falls flat. I would suggest searching for an image just as strong as "sweat wine" that carries the same meaning that you ultimately want - so not necessarily the exact words, because I think it's hard to find a word for love that isn't love, but an image that gets you to the same place. I hope that makes sense.

If you don't want to change that line, I'd suggest making the verbs more interesting than "were" -- like maybe you make a sweat wine out of the love and lies? There are a lot of "wine" verbs. Ferment. Crush (like under your feet). Age. Et cetera.

Also, if nothing else, I'd take out a few words:
You love and lies
were a sweat wine.
I [verb] your alcoholic,
giddy with intoxication.


For [verb], it's the same kind of dull area which could really pop with a good verb. You'll want it to be something with the same grammatical look as "remained."

All unhealthy habits end.
I clear my head of you
and walk into my future.


If you wanted to keep "straight line," I'd make it more clear that it's kind of a joke about the aforementioned alcohol. (Or at least I took it as a tounge-and-cheek image.)

Okay, third stanza. I'm disappointed after "sweat wine" gave me such high expectations. "Truest love" makes me skeptical. I'd suggest going deeper than just SAYING he was your truest love. Why? What made him so special? Make me believe you. Make me just as sad as you are having to let him go, instead of just stating that the love comforted you and dashed you to pieces.

I think the last stanza has strong impact, but it's not very poetic. I would suggest finding images that mean the same things. Use your senses. What are you leaving him with? Where is "behind"? What is it like? How are you happy? Et cetera.

I definitely see potential (forgive me for returning here, but "sweat wine" really impressed me) and can't wait to see the next version.
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:iconhooded-warrior:
I have a question though. The 'sweat wine' line is very evokative because it makes me think of sweat which is sour and smelly and generally ew. Obviously the relationship had soured, BUT reading the rest of the poem makes me feel like it was a spelling mistake and you meant to say 'sweet wine' ?

(I'd post this on the critique discussion, but I'm too pov to have a premium account. :lol:)

--
I used to be forgetful, then I forgot how to.
:iconjanuary77:
Yes. It was a typo. I'll fix it when I repost it after I fix it.

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